I don’t support a reboot, remake or sequel to Ghostbusters. When the time comes, of course I’ll pay my twelve dollars and hunker down in a theatre to gather as much information as possible for use when whining about the bastardization of a beloved intellectual property to other people born between 1979 and 1988 whom I assume share my disdain but probably don’t let it affect their lives as much. In the mean time I’ll just sit here and think that it’s a stupid idea.
Here’s a list of movie sequels and reboots that are both absurd and profitable. If anyone from Hollywood is listening, each pitch will cost you $12 000 and I will request a small cameo in each film. I don’t need any dialogue, just a reaction shot of me smirking at a bad pun related to the original source material. For example, in Ghostbusters 3, Kristen Wiig could attend a lecture by Dr. Peter Venkman at some kind of college. Venkman is sad that Egon passed away but can’t process his emotions in a healthy way because his best friend Ray Stantz is disturbingly into seances. (Stantz desperately wants to contact Egon from beyond the grave*, but keeps getting distracted by running a winery**). Anyways, Kristen Wiig, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey and let’s say probably Jennifer Lawrence sneak into Venkman’s sparsely attended lecture about ectoplasm and no Danas/only Zuul because they want to be Ghostbusters and need some guidance. As he’s wrapping up orating to a mostly disinterested student body, Venkman makes eye contact with Wiig. She raises her hand and asks why he stopped, why the Ghostbusters disbanded. He looks at her and smugly says “Ghost-busting is a slimey business,***” to which you cut to me, raising a single eyebrow****. That and $12 000 gives you carte blanche to take any of my ideas.
Anyway, on to the fucking list:
Absurd Yet Profitable Film Sequel, Remake and Reboot Pitches Designed to Extort Money from Adults Born Prior to 1985:
1. The Goonies 2. Mikey and Mouth organize an intervention for Chunk, who is now a competitive eater with an appetite for heroin. This movie exists in the same world as Old Boy, as Brand’s life took a real left turn after the events of that fateful afternoon.
2. The Supper Club. A sequel to John Hughes’ classic film about teenage angst, unknowingness and the social jungle we call high school, this film follows Anthony Michael Hall’s door to door insurance salesman character as he happens upon the homes of his former Breakfast Club cohorts. Spoiler alert: they’re all still dickheads.
3. ET 2. The entire movie takes place in a therapist’s office as Elliot tries to convince a skeptical doctor (Powers Boothe) that after the events of the first film, he was visited nightly by ET’s older, sexier alien sister.
4. The Karate Kid. A straight-up shot for shot remake of the cult classic. To update it for the younger generation, we cast a famous person’s child, an actor or musician on the cusp of stardom his or herself. it is imperative that this person have little or no charisma. Pat Morita is available and will work for scale.
5. Care Bears. A total reimaging in which every Care Bear is a sly-talking sumnabitch voiced by Bradley Cooper. Care Bear powers are replaced with laser guns. If this works out maybe they can have a cameo in The Avengers 2.
6. The Little Mermaid. Ariel goes to high school and is pressured by her new boyfriend to “sext”. When she chooses the swim team over spending time with him, he publishes the photos online*****. The film switches in act 2- From Dusk Til Dawn style- to a revenge thriller in which Ariel begins drowning everyone who downloaded the photos. Think Pretty Little Liars meets Hostel 2.
7. Back to the Future 4. Marty McFly lives in an unremarkable 2015 in which there are no flying cars or 3D sharks. His marriage to Jennifer is falling apart and his kids are indeed assholes. The entire movie centres around Marty getting the band back together to play his 30th high school reunion, to which he says is lame and is only doing it because the other guys want to but deep down this is the greatest thing he has done since he outsmarted Buford Tannon.
8. The Princess Bride. Everything is the same except The Rock takes over for Andre the Giant.
9. Zack Snyder’s Adventures In Babysitting. It’s a found footage film shot entirely on green-screen *******.
* Winston Zeddemore is the only one with his shit together. He manages big and tell men’s clothing store in Brooklyn.
** Egon’s stupider, uglier and less talented brother makes an appearance early in act 2 when he stops by Stantz’s apartment to borrow money.
*** Or a better line. Hire David Hayter for the dialogue. Once I have my $12000 you can do whatever the fuck you want with it.
**** Bonus points if you pan back to Venkman and he says “If you smell what I’m cooking,”
***** Spread fin and all.******
****** I’m sorry, that joke was crass.
******* If Zack isn’t available, perhaps this would be a great opportunity for an aspiring filmmaker like Josh Radnor or Zach Braff.