Scrounging the depths of one’s past artistic endeavors can be a humbling experience.
Below- if only for my own amusement- are completely out of context excerpts, fragments and half-starts I’ve attempted to cobble into existence. For reasons varied and unknown, none of them ever saw the light of day or for that matter, completion:
“Ghost of Baldwin”
TV Pilot, 2006
Stephen Baldwin is murdered by a gang of ravenous thugs. His soul is sent to limbo- the bathroom of a dumpy two-bedroom apartment in Cincinnati where recently fired bank employee Elmer Watts lives. Angels tell Stephen that he’s in limbo for one of two reasons: either he’s about to be sent to hell to atone for his brother Billy’s sins, or he still has unfinished business on earth. Stephen and Elmer hatch a plan to attach Stephen’s soul to a living being- Elmer’s deaf roommate Carl, whom they promptly kill with a hammer- and then set off into the world to solving crimes of some bullshit.
-Walking down the street? Stephen Baldwin is a pompous jerk. Have him treat people like garbage. Shoving children and spitting on old ladies, like unnecessarily bad
-A gang of thugs robs him. Stephen, drunk on his own sense of self worth, fights back and gets shot.
-Quick shot to heaven- God, Jesus, lots of white people.
– Somehow Baldwin ends up in limbo, aka in a dirty bathroom.
Alternate titles: William Baldwin is dead and living in my bathroom, My Dead Baldwin, My Name is Baldwin
TV Pilot, 2008
An out of work carpenter named Marlon has an accident that leaves him with magical powers. At first he uses his newfound gifts- super strength and speed, the ability to heal himself as well as turn water into malt liquor- for selfish purposes, canoodling with with whores and trying to swindle idiots with his parlour tricks to make a quick buck. But after Marlon teams up with a fallen angel, he quickly begins to put his skills to a new use: solving crimes of a religious nature as a globetrotting supernatural detective.
“Pay for Sex”*
Randy is on a mission to have a baby so his family name can be carried on.
What if during the course of his efforts he finds out he has a step brother? He could try to convince the step-brother to change his name so Randy doesn’t have to get married. He’s so afraid of change and taking a chance (on love) that he’ll go to great lengths to avoid conflict. (elaborate There Will Be Blood parody?)
Perhaps it’s more of a quest to become a father, because his father died when he was young. His mom dies at the mid point, which may allow you to bring in the step brother (elaborate There Will Be Blood parody?)
Tone: Happy go lucky comedy, awkward and absurd, like Hot Rod absurd. Short and sweet. Maybe 75 pages.
Randy gets a book and goes through step by step trying ways to woo a lady.
“They Call Me Daffodil”
TV Pilot, 2010
Genuine nice guy who often gets scammed and taken advantage of while working at a school for the deaf and blind kids.
Lee “Daffodil” Feline- Protagonist
Rajinder- Lee’s best friend, very crass, honest and always right.
Bart- people always call him the wrong name. Brad, Bill, Bevin. Is this a stupid idea? Why is Bart a character?
Molly- Sweet love interest. Very weary of nice guys she’s been burned before
Janette- Lee’s mean and abusive girlfriend;
Spiderman- Deaf AND blind kid who eats spiders
Hot Dog Guy- Man Lee goes to for advice (may be his real birth father?)
Inspector Mike McMichaels- Hardass gov’t money guy always talking about cut-backs, but has a soft-spot for Lee’s blissful ignorance
* I just think that title is great