We seem to be out of ideas.
For every thoughtful sequel or adaptation*, we get four or five half-baked piles of thinly-veiled shit meant to sell toys or Billy Corgan albums**. The recent news of a revival of both The X-Files (good) and Coach (bad) comes on the heels of a Boy Meets World spin-off*** and rumors that Netflix is looking at doing something similar with Full House****.
I’ve touched on this topic before, but in the spirit of originality, here are three pitches for sequels to televisions shows that were never really that great or popular to begin with:
1. Major Dad: PTSD
Angered, scared and juiced up to shoot some terrorists after the events of 9/11, Major John McGillis re-enlists to fight for his country in the new war on terror. Little does he know that the battle he left at home- sarcastic liberal daughter, sarcastic younger daughter and patient wife- did little to prepare him for combat in the 21st century.
After taking shrapnel in the face and losing an arm AND a leg during a fire-fight in Tikrit, Major Dad spends the 8 of the 10 episode mini-series holed up in a military hospital in Germany. Battling alcoholism and beginning to resent his country for their lack of support for injured veterans, he spirals into a depression that only a visit from Polly, Robin and Casey can solve.
The last scene is a sombre affair of crying, set to Nirvana’s “Polly” after Major Dad throws a whiskey bottle at his wife- who is also named Polly- killing her and their dreams of opening a bass pro shop back home in Camp Singleton.
2. Sister, Sister: Sister
Holy fucking shit you didn’t see this coming: THERE’S A THIRD SISTER.
AND SHE’S EVIL.
3. The Cosby Show: Depositions
I think this one writes itself.
** Transformers 4: Dark side of the who the fuck WOULDN’T buy Whalberg as a robotics engineer?
*** In “Girl Meets World”, Shawn Hunter unfortunately does not live Cory and Topanga’s basement as the stoner ne’er-do-well two semesters at community college would have surely turned him into. I was severely disappointed because I know damn well Rider Strong is neither busy nor has better things to do.
**** The only way it works is if during the lapse, Danny Tanner came out of the closet, Uncle Joey has committed suicide and Jessie is in jail for statutory rape. The Rippers whereabouts are unknown.