grand theft whatever

I wish we could keep score. A running total of miscellaneous data to analyze, reflect on and ponder. Imagine:

Times cursed
Hats worn
Most pain felt (physical)
Most pain felt (emotional)
Hugs given

Would you be able to find patterns? Would you want to?

Hearts broken
Number of scars
Cars driven
Cars stolen
Times you heard AC/DC come on the radio, said”Awe, fuck AC/DC,” and then changed the station

What if you could show yours to someone else? Would you want to?

Best year
Kilometers ran
Stairs climbed
Happy thoughts
Number of Kevin’s met

Maybe that’s the next Facebook update. Life Stats: Outlining your worth as a person since 2016.

Hugs received
Slow-dances to Live in the 1990s
Best friends

“Oh my God, did you see that Amy shared her Life Stat that she’s received 500 high fives? I’m only at 350!”

Apples eaten
Apples prematurely discarded
Times laughed at the word “shuttlecock”
Money spent
Beers drank

The kind of existential crisis that comes with realizing the best decision you ever made was the one you had no choice in.


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