remakes

Here’s a blog inspired by the trailer for the new Entourage movie that I did not watch because fuck Entourage

We seem to be out of ideas.

For every thoughtful sequel or adaptation*, we get four or five half-baked piles of thinly-veiled shit meant to sell toys or Billy Corgan albums**.   The recent news of a revival of both The X-Files (good) and Coach (bad) comes on the heels of a Boy Meets World spin-off*** and rumors that Netflix is looking at doing something similar with Full House****.

I’ve touched on this topic before, but in the spirit of originality, here are three pitches for sequels to televisions shows that were never really that great or popular to begin with:

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Ghostbusters & other things from our childhoods in need of monetizing

I don’t support a reboot, remake or sequel to Ghostbusters. When the time comes, of course I’ll pay my twelve dollars and hunker down in a theatre to gather as much information as possible for use when whining about the bastardization of a beloved intellectual property to other people born between 1979 and 1988 whom I assume share my disdain but probably don’t let it affect their lives as much. In the mean time I’ll just sit here and think that it’s a stupid idea.

Here’s a list of movie sequels and reboots that are both absurd and profitable. If anyone from Hollywood is listening, each pitch will cost you $12 000 and I will request a small cameo in each film. I don’t need any dialogue, just a reaction shot of me smirking at a bad pun related to the original source material. For example, in Ghostbusters 3, Kristen Wiig could attend a lecture by Dr. Peter Venkman at some kind of college. Venkman is sad that Egon passed away but can’t process his emotions in a healthy way because his best friend Ray Stantz is disturbingly into seances. (Stantz desperately wants to contact Egon from beyond the grave*, but keeps getting distracted by running a winery**). Anyways, Kristen Wiig, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey and let’s say probably Jennifer Lawrence sneak into Venkman’s sparsely attended lecture about ectoplasm and no Danas/only Zuul because they want to be Ghostbusters and need some guidance. As he’s wrapping up orating to a mostly disinterested student body, Venkman makes eye contact with Wiig. She raises her hand and asks why he stopped, why the Ghostbusters disbanded. He looks at her and smugly says “Ghost-busting is a slimey business,***” to which you cut to me, raising a single eyebrow****. That and $12 000 gives you carte blanche to take any of my ideas.

Anyway, on to the fucking list:

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